but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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