Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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