evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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