dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
