Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
