I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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