I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
