whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
