In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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