My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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