Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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