you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
