when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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