ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
