She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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