I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
where are my eyebrows?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
