someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
