do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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