feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
