I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
