Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
