I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In other news, I just burned my penis
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
