If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
pray to the hookup gods
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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