BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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