I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
