I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
