You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
