i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
