me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
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Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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