I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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