We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
