Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
