Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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