So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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