also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men