after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.