When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
