Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
