Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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