I puked a lego.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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