your parents love me but you hate me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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