the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
