First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
