I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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