we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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