im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
