Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
