Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
this is an emotional support booty call
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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