Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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