im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
