Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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