someone get that fucking seahorse.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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