I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
