He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
