a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
