tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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